Shift Your Lens: Understand Their Why, Not Just Their What – Finding Peace in All Relationships
Dealing with challenging individuals, be they family members, colleagues, friends, or even strangers, can often feel like an unending uphill battle, a relentless drain on our emotional reserves. Much of our struggle, however, stems from a fundamental misdirection of our energy: we try to change what we ultimately cannot control – their actions. The deepest lesson, and the most powerful path to our own peace, lies not in altering what they do, but in profoundly shifting our perspective to understand why they do it.
This isn't about condoning or excusing hurtful or problematic behavior. It's about a strategic self-preservation tactic that frees us from the constant cycle of disappointment, frustration, and reactive pain, allowing us to choose healthier responses and protect our own emotional space.
Beyond the Surface: Unpacking the "Why" in All Relationships
When an individual consistently exhibits frustrating, critical, or even toxic behavior, our immediate focus naturally gravitates to "what" they are doing and "how" it impacts us. This leads to common complaints: "They always criticize," "They never listen," "They're so negative." While these observations are valid, dwelling solely on them traps us in a reactive loop.
Shifting our lens to "their why" involves an empathetic, albeit detached, inquiry into the potential roots of their actions. This often uncovers:
* Unmet Needs and Underlying Pain: Many difficult behaviors are learned coping mechanisms for unfulfilled fundamental human needs (e.g., for validation, appreciation, safety, or control) or past hurts, unresolved trauma, or deep-seated pain (Lotus Therapy, 2024; A Path to Wellness, 2024). A constantly critical boss might be operating from a place of intense pressure and insecurity. A perpetually negative friend might be battling hidden anxieties or depression. When these emotional needs go unnoticed or unaddressed, they can lead to defensiveness and conflict (A Path to Wellness, 2024).
* Insecurities and Fear: Aggression, control, or passive-aggressive behavior can often mask profound insecurities. A person who constantly needs to be right or exert dominance might be deeply afraid of being perceived as weak or inadequate. Fear of rejection or abandonment can manifest as clinginess, manipulation, or even hostility (A Path to Wellness, 2024). For instance, an individual with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) often exhibits a lack of empathy and a constant need for admiration, driven by a fragile sense of self-worth (Medical News Today, 2023).
* Unresolved Issues and Maladaptive Coping: Long-standing dynamics, unaddressed grievances, or a lack of emotional regulation skills can manifest in recurrent patterns of difficult behavior. They might genuinely lack the emotional toolkit to navigate life's challenges constructively, or their difficult behavior might be the only way they know how to seek attention, exert control, or express distress, however maladaptive. Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), for example, experience pervasive instability in mood, self-image, and interpersonal relationships, leading to difficulties in maintaining stable and healthy connections due to intense and rapidly shifting emotions (StatPearls, 2024).
* Psychological Projection: Sometimes, difficult behavior stems from psychological projection, a defense mechanism where individuals attribute their own undesirable feelings, thoughts, or impulses to others to avoid confronting them within themselves (EBSCO Research Starters; Relational Psych Group, 2024). For instance, someone feeling insecure about their own competence might repeatedly accuse a colleague of being incompetent.
Understanding these potential underlying factors doesn't mean you have to accept the behavior. It means you understand that their actions are often a reflection of their internal struggles and unmet needs, rather than a direct, personal assault on you.
The Power of Empathy and Acceptance (Without Excusal)
Cultivating empathy for their struggles is a powerful tool for your own peace and well-being. Empathy, particularly cognitive empathy (the ability to understand another person's emotions and thoughts), allows you to step into their shoes intellectually without necessarily experiencing their emotions yourself (BetterUp, 2023). This type of empathy allows you to:
* Detachment from Personal Attack: When you understand that their "what" is likely driven by their "why," you can detach from the feeling that their behavior is a personal attack. This creates emotional distance, allowing you to react from a place of calm rather than anger or or deep personal hurt. This aligns with emotional intelligence, which emphasizes understanding the emotions behind others' behavior to better interact with them (MHA, 2022).
* Break the Cycle of Disappointment: By accepting that you cannot change them and understanding the deep-rooted nature of their patterns, you free yourself from the endless loop of hoping they will be different, only to be disappointed. This acceptance is not resignation; it's liberation, reducing resentment that stems from unmet expectations (Lotus Therapy, 2024).
* Choose Healthier Responses: When you're no longer reacting out of frustration, you can choose responses that protect your emotional space and don't fuel the negative dynamic. This might involve setting firmer boundaries, disengaging from circular arguments, or simply choosing to limit exposure. Research shows that setting boundaries leads to reduced resentment, improved relationships, and less burnout (Stanford University, 2024).
* Prioritize Your Well-being (Self-Preservation): Your peace and well-being become the primary focus. You learn to redirect energy from trying to fix them to nurturing your own emotional health. While self-preservation can sometimes create distance if overused, when applied appropriately to toxic relationships, it's crucial for mental and emotional well-being (Marriage.com, 2024; Sherolde Hackett, 2023).
Protecting Your Emotional Space: Your Ultimate Goal
Ultimately, shifting your lens is an act of self-care and empowerment. It's about recognizing that while you can offer compassion for another's struggles, you are not responsible for their unresolved issues or their behavior. By embracing this perspective, rooted in psychological understanding and empathy, you gain the powerful ability to choose healthier responses, protect your own emotional boundaries, and maintain your peace, even in the face of persistent challenges from anyone in your life. It allows you to engage with others, if you choose, from a place of strength, without allowing their "what" to continually compromise your "why."
References:
* A Path to Wellness. (2024, November 12). Unmet Emotional Needs in Relationships: The Root of Defensiveness. Retrieved from https://www.apathtowellness.com/unmet-emotional-needs/
* BetterUp. (2023, March 3). Developing cognitive empathy to become a better coworker. Retrieved from https://www.betterup.com/blog/cognitive-empathy
* EBSCO Research Starters. (n.d.). Psychological projection. Retrieved from https://www.ebsco.com/research-starters/psychology/psychological-projection
* Hatfield, E., Cacioppo, J. T., & Rapson, R. L. (1993). Emotional contagion. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 2(3), 96-100.
* Lotus Therapy. (2024, November 11). Unmet Needs Leads to Resentment. Retrieved from https://www.lotustherapyfl.com/blog/unmetneeds
* Marriage.com. (2024, December 12). 15 Dangers of Excessive Self-Preservation in a Relationship. Retrieved from https://www.marriage.com/advice/relationship/self-preservation-in-a-relationship/
* Medical News Today. (2023, August 23). Am I narcissistic? Signs, definition, and treatment. Retrieved from https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/am-i-narcissistic
* Mental Health America (MHA). (2022, December 2). What is emotional intelligence and how does it apply to the workplace?. Retrieved from https://mhanational.org/learning-hub/what-is-emotional-intelligence-and-how-does-it-apply-to-the-workplace/
* Relational Psych Group. (2024, November 21). Projection as a Defense Mechanism: Understanding the Psychology Behind It. Retrieved from https://www.relationalpsych.group/articles/projection-as-a-defense-mechanism-understanding-the-psychology-behind-it
* Sherolde Hackett. (2023, November 30). Navigating Toxic Family Dynamics: Finding Healing and Self-Preservation. Retrieved from https://sheroldehackett.com/navigating-toxic-family-dynamics-finding-healing-and-self-preservation
* Stanford University. (2024, March). How to set boundaries and why it matters for your mental health. Retrieved from https://health.ucdavis.edu/blog/cultivating-health/how-to-set-boundaries-and-why-it-matters-for-your-mental-health/2024/03
* StatPearls. (2024, October 17). Borderline Personality Disorder. National Center for Biotechnology Information. Retrieved from https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4176877/
